Hello – fellow Counsellor. Won’t you draw up a chair, get comfortable and let’s chat together……
Counselling: A Fragile and Privileged Space
What amazing and far reaching opportunities of care and wisdom await a counsellor who loves people and wants to see them whole?
A one-to-one session with a person is a very private and confidential relationship. The person trusts the counsellor – YOU – to listen and hear him or her, to remain confidential, to be present and non-prescriptive. Instead of saying, “I think this is what you should do”, the counsellor gives choices, “These are some of the options – do you have any others?” Involvement by the counsellee and buy-in to any decisions is so much more effective and vital to the transfer into revised actions or different behaviour.
Most people in the counselling space are fragile, scared or emotional. They shun words such as “transparency”, “vulnerability”, “openness” because these equal exposure, loss of secrecy and privacy. No one would tell you this.
Some people need help to know what they need.
It’s true that many people simply want to offload – which is therapeutic. Others are desperate to find quick fixes; some need solutions to their problems while others want to know how to do life, manage relationships or change their behaviour.
There are those who sit in front of you who don’t know what they need or want – they just know something is not right in their lives; a marriage has broken up, hopelessness has set in, loss has devastated them, a traumatic experience has scarred them or they have become stuck in grief. They are depressed, directionless or angry. Their needs can be physical, emotional or spiritual – the context may be family, work, personal life, culture, religion, career or destiny. The state of the world, the economy or the environment in which people live also serve as contexts for stress, bewilderment, fear and anxiety.
The Desire to see them Whole.
What amazing and far reaching opportunities of care and wisdom await a counsellor who loves people and wants to see them whole? Let’s not forget the skills and experience of the counsellor and that inexpressible “gut-feel” that plays a vital; role in finding the root, identifying the core and contributes like a straight arrow to target the need, problem or area for healing.
Important Skills
Among many, two of the key skills counsellors take into each session are keen, present, listening skills and the ability to ask meaningful and right questions.
Listening will always send the message, “I am interested in what you have to say, I am interested in your need right now” – from which the counsellee should hear, “I am interested in you, this is your time and your space and I am here for you.”
The Learning Curve
One of my first learning curves as a counsellor was in the area of questioning. After conducting an interview with someone (which was recorded), it was pointed out by one of my examiners that I asked too many leadingquestions. Although I was surprised by the feedback, I really did see how easily I did this… there is a moment in a counselling session when this might be appropriate, especially if the person is going round and round in circles.
Leading / closed / reflective / probing questions?
A question such as, “So, you want to exit your marriage?” One could argue that this may, in fact, also be a closed question to which the client could answer, “Yes, No, or I don’t know”, or even, “I didn’t say that!” So far, their comments have been ambivalent, but now at least there’s some clarity for the counsellor and for the client as to the leaning of their thinking. However, using a leading question that puts your thoughts into your counsellee’s mind should be a flashing light to a counsellor and a no-go area.
The client drops his head and becomes tearful – emotions play across his face. The counsellor now uses a reflective or empathetic question, “You’re feeling sad right now?”
“No, not sad,” he says. “Perhaps hopeless?” asks the counsellor. The client responds, “Rather, lost and helpless, I’d say”. At least, as you’ve connected with what you’ve observed and named feelings, the counsellee now has a better understanding of what he is actually feeling and attempts to express this.
The power of questions can never be underestimated. And all counsellors have learned how to use the good, old “probing” question. “Tell me more……. and then what? What did you do as a result of that? How many people were involved? Were you able to forgive and move on?” It takes experience and skill to keep probing questions conversational and respectful– most people are sensitive or reactionary to being “interrogated” if questions come forth like a Gatling gun.
I look forward to chatting again and sharing insights and experience with you.
May happy, listening and brilliant questioning follow you!
Jill
06/2023