by Courtney Mercer
Used with permission. (Book review: ‘Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown)
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” ~ Brene Brown
This is a famous quote from the most recent book I have been reading called Daring Greatly by vulnerability specialist and professor Brene Brown.
After going through a trying time in my marriage and personal life, I have come to realise the absolute necessity for vulnerability in genuine, authentic, and connected relationships. Vulnerability is being seen for who we truly are and having the courage to be comfortable in our own skin despite this – despite our flaws and vices, despite our deepest sin. Vulnerability is the core of belonging, of owning our stories and becoming totally real with ourselves and others. Vulnerability takes off the mask of pretence and portrayal and gives us the courage to walk and be seen for who we genuinely are. I started reading this book because I wanted to gain a deeper understanding of vulnerability and confirm why I know that healthy relationships cannot exist without it. This is a book filled with social research and studies across the home, relationships, work and parenting and it has been incredibly insightful for me in many ways. I have no doubt that some of these insights will be of great benefit to me on my counselling journey.
I believe that a lack of vulnerability, or a lack of full understanding of vulnerability, limits people’s engagement and connection with others and self. I believe that being true to ourselves is a biblical principle that links closely with our identity in Christ. 2 Cor 12:9-10 says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” God’s power flows more freely through a heart that is softened and humbled before Him. Part of exercising vulnerability is learning that courage has nothing to do with pride and everything to do with humility. There is a strength in vulnerability that connects us to our maker and allows for more meaningful and relatable relationships.
Much of what Brene covers in her book includes helping us to understand the essence of shame and how we cultivate resilience in the face of believing that we aren’t enough. She terms people who are the most resilient to shame ‘wholehearted’ and these types of people engage with the world from a place of worthiness, which is also a biblical principle (Eph 2:10 and Matt 10:31). The more we feel valued for who we are in Christ Jesus, the less shame has a hold on us and the less we need to put up a façade to feel ‘good’ about ourselves. When we know who we are, warts and all, and accept ourselves and walk in surrendering it all to Jesus, we can consider ourselves wholehearted.
According to Brene’s research, wholehearted people cultivate the following:
- 1. Authenticity (letting go of what people think)
- 2. Self-compassion (letting go of perfectionism)
- 3. A resilient spirit (letting go of numbing and powerlessness)
- 4. Gratitude and joy (letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark)
- 5. Intuition and trusting faith (letting go of the need for certainty)
- 6. Creativity (letting go of comparison)
- 7. Play and rest (letting go of exhaustion as a symbol of productivity and self-worth)
- 8. Calm and stillness (letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle)
- 9. Meaningful work (letting go of self-doubt and ‘supposed to’)
- 10. Laughter, song and dance (letting go of being ‘cool’ and always in control)
We live in a culture that believes that it’s never enough, we don’t have enough or we’re never enough. “This is the root of the scarcity fallacy. We don’t even question these feelings. They are just accepted by each of us as the truth, when, in fact, they are lies. Embrace the fact that perfection is an illusion. It is our imperfections that make use who we are, and yet we fail to embrace them.”
I love this concept that challenges our belief system of what we deem to be truth and lies. I believe that as a counsellor I could help people move away from the scarcity mindset to the enough mindset, to discover their true worthiness in Christ and to be vulnerable in their weaknesses, that more people will be truly set free. “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”
“We believe (incorrectly) that the opposite of scarcity is abundance. This is the very trap we set for ourselves. By believing that ‘more’ will solve our feelings of inadequacy, we continue to enslave ourselves working ever harder against an unrealistic ideal so that we achieve ‘more’ – further deepening our ‘never enough’ mental construct.” Brene says that she believes that “abundance and scarcity are two sides of the same coin. The opposite of ‘never enough’ isn’t abundance or ‘more than you could ever imagine.’ The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what I call WHOLEHEARTEDNESS… vulnerability and worthiness.”
I am deeply challenged to be a wholehearted person. I think in Christian terms this would be translated to fully surrendered to Christ, deeply rooted in Him and freely flowing in purpose and joy. I would love nothing more than to understand wholeheartedness better from a spiritual sense, to apply it to my own life and help others to do the same. I am certain that this kingdom approach will add immense value and contribute to the counselling of others. It is a bonus that it is also based on research and possibly a way to win people over as well.
In a world where people are further from God than they care to realise or admit, I feel that drawing people to vulnerability and worthiness is a great place to start in leading them to wholeheartedness in Christ. How could we not want to be more like this? How could we not want to more like Jesus?