In a co-dependent relationship, the one who controls and disempowers (The ‘Enabler’) needs to see the benefit of releasing the other party to grow, take responsibility and become empowered to live life – making good and purposeful decisions.
Also, the dis-enabled, needy party needs to stand still and breathe. At this point, it’s time to take a serious look at the relationship and ask crucial questions. For both parties in this type of relationship, there needs to be an urgency to take stock, evaluate the quality of one’s future life and take counsel as to some of the “how to” disentangle techniques.
Identify the Benefits of Change
Neither party will take a step into change unless he or she sees the benefit of such change. It’s, therefore, important that one is honest with oneself in uncovering the culprits and drivers that landed the person in a co-dependent relationship.
Once the needy party has identified dependency on another person and realises that ownership of one’s personal life has been sacrificed, the first step has been taken. Not only has ownership been sacrificed, but one’s life has become controlled by another – with or without permission – it’s time to take progressive steps towards changing the status quo.
Scenario
Neil – the older person – strong, confident, capable, risk-taker; controlling, set in his ways; aggressive with an attitude, presented in his behaviour, of “I know what to do! I know I’m right!” Neil doesn’t tolerate fools or weaklings.
Salome – 7 years’ younger than Neil – caring, loving, creative; a teacher of young children – patient, a good listener, cautious and reliable. Salome is not one to “stand up” if she disagreed, or “argue a point” with someone and when a conflict situation rises, she tends to experience stress, anxiety and fear. Fear of the responses of others and also fear of a tarnished reputation should the conflict outcome be negative.
What needs might Salome present if she were to enter into a relationship with Neil?
Well, the two did meet at a mutual friend’s wedding. They began dating, they saw each other every day, they continued dating and dating. In the process it appeared they were well suited. Salome had all the loving, sociable sides that pleased Neil – she was popular and he liked the way people accepted her. He didn’t quite get her creative flair and saw her as ‘all over the place’ – not as organised as he was. For Salome, Neil provided strength, confidence and protection – he was intelligent and not afraid to express his opinion – she could rely on him! Others did not often oppose him and he was a quick decision maker. Salome had always considered herself to be a poor or reticent decision maker, so it was good that Neil could do this.
As Neil and Salome’s relationship develops into marriage, they fail to discuss common needs, fears, priorities, personality differences and emotional triggers, to name a few.
After 10 years of marriage and a couple of children, Salome has become more fearful; she is less likely to make decisions (especially as she has not been consulted on most) and her sunny, social nature had wilted. She is still a good teacher and puts on her brave “I’m okay” face each morning.
It all looked good – in the beginning – convenient, comfortable
It was so good – in the beginning – to have a husband who handled everything, earned the higher income, budgeted for the family, solved the problems and made all their decisions.
A Crisis can be Positive – it forces one to make new and different choices
Salome came to a personal crisis when restrictions were put on her spending, her creative way of thinking (which was scatty!), was continually challenged and much more. She also became aware of irrational financial behaviour emerging in her husband. So, she put her head in the sand as it was not her problem. Neil was strong and good at what he did.
Fear and insecurity crept in and her neediness to “feel safe and secure” increased. Neil told her to stop nagging. One night, she had a nightmare which disturbed her.
She dreamed …
In her dream she was alone in a rubber dinghy in the middle of a large lake – alone, and without oars, food, water or a waterproof jacket. She looked frantically for a light or a life jacket. There was none. When Salome woke up she was in the throes of a severe panic attack.
Neil was away on business at the time, do she called her doctor and after a brief appointment, she was given a script for anti-depressants.
On Neil’s return, Salome told him about her dream and experience. He was bewildered, disappointed and said to her, “Salome, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Don’t I always pay all the accounts, haven’t I put a roof over our family’s head – you have virtually no responsibility and you are still not satisfied – just be a wife and mom – look after the home!”
Then one night, Salome heard her husband telling a friend, “It’s really difficult having three children in the family! I wish my wife was more proactive and not so needy….”
This was a wake-up call for Salome!
She grabbed a notebook and a pen and began to ask herself questions – personal, relational and emotional questions.
- Am I really “needy”, fearful, lacking in confidence and purpose
- What happened to me – my love for life and belief in the man I married
- What does our relationship look like to our children – do they see me as weak, lacking in confidence and needy
- When did I surrender so much to my husband
- For how long have I not taken responsibility – perhaps it was just too easy
- I thought I was much more – did I allow my husband to “dominate and control” me
- What am I afraid of? Failure, responsibility, my husband?
- Am I considered a “needy wife” by his friends – a joke, a failure?
And, finally…
Salome takes personal accountability ….
- What can I do to change?
- What do I need to learn about myself?
- How can I ensure I become empowered and confident?
- Where can I learn the skills to weather the change?
- Who can help me through this?
- How can I start a conversation with my husband?
NOTE 1
Although the above situation relates to a husband and wife in a co-dependent relationship, there are many types of relationships that develop because of neediness or the need to control.
Fear of responsibility and fear of losing control join hands and appear to help each other – but only for a short time.
The result? One remains needy and disempowered, the other continues to control and disempower. Fear wins.
NOTE 2
In extreme cases of diminished responsibility and ongoing neediness, the person will call on everyone to fill his or her cavern of needs – friends, family, work colleagues; joining innumerable chats on different media platforms where one can reach out at a distance is common.
The sad reality is that, although there are many kind and caring people out there who respond giving counsel and gifts, in the end, they realise that this cavern is one that will never be filled.It is never the end though for this person who can be empowered. As always, this depends on many other factors present, e.g. how many therapists are involved, medication, legal or illegal drugs taken, and is a space walked carefully with each person.
Jill 01/2024