In a co-dependent relationship, the one who controls and disempowers (The ‘Enabler’) needs to see the benefit of releasing the other party to grow, take responsibility and become empowered to live life – making good and purposeful decisions.
This person should also see that using someone else’s neediness to give meaning and fulfilment to his or her life is both selfish and exhausting. Why – because often a needy person’s unfulfilled areas are like a huge hole that is never filled no matter how hard one works at meeting the needs or being the solution.
You see – it’s not about neediness only but also about the need for attention which can turn into a passive control of the enabler. Also, we should never underestimate the underlying – shark in the water – fear and its hardworking team mate, anxiety. Visualise anxiety as having a cheese or carrot “grater” effect – grating and gnawing away at a person’s confidence, courage and faith.
The Enabler Lets Go
For the holding party to release the needy party, requires what behavioural change always does – awareness, recognition and identification of the role they are fulfilling together with a strong belief that the change is necessary and beneficial for both parties. A pastoral counsellor may take this one step further and encourage the individual to ask forgiveness from God and from the other party for
- Attempting to be the main answer for the person and in so doing enabling dependency
- Remaining in the relationship because of the need to be in control and feel safe
- Not pointing the person to God, who can meet all needs
- Not loving the person enough to empower him or her to take responsibility
Draw a Line in the Sand
What I like to call “drawing a line In the sand’ must come after identifying the negative effects of the relationship and being willing to say, “So far, and no further” to yourself. Here a transfer needs to take place, a transfer of your dependence to be on God who created you and who knows how to love unconditionally; a Father who has given those who come to Him life and a glorious free will to make healthy choices and the Holy Spirit who leads and guides you while keeping in step with the Father. Although this may not be a popular word, the only right word here is surrender and the second is trust.
Once the person has disentangled him or herself from the co-dependent relationship, they are now free to build relationships with others where their response to crying needs is partnered with wisdom and a desire to empower. It should also not be a permanent relationship. This refers to co-dependent relationships and certainly not good friendships which support growth and maturity both ways. Jesus is known as “the friend who sticks closer than a brother”. Good friends are so important to be there as sounding boards, wiping away tears, providing support structures to help in difficult times, encouraging and just simply wanting to be in your company because it’s good and edifying.
An Enabler derives a sense of self-worth from “serving” (controlling) another
The above statement may be contested by an enabler with the statement, “That was not my intention”, and I would believe most of them. However, when we see clearly we have created another person totally dependent on us and weigh up the risk and responsibility on our shoulders, it should be a wake-up call. When that person finds someone else to meet his or her needs, what happens to me? I must break this cycle – for my sake and theirs. The question is How?
Letting go – a little at a time
When I remarried in my seventies, I moved into the family home of my husband. In this home, he controlled everything. He knew what needed to be done and he did it. He knew what he liked and didn’t like and expressed it.
Change can mean loss and mourning
Having been widowed for 13 years after my first husband passed away, I was pretty independent. I also had my own business and travelled all over the country – now I was in a relationship and it was right that I consider my new husband in my daily life. I needed to move from independence to inter-dependence. I knew I was gaining so much in this new relationship but having to let go of so much as well. I went through some aspects of the loss cycle. An unannounced mourning settled over me and I had to constantly turn my eyes to my Father for comfort and support.
Are you a “sulker”?
In taking responsibility for his new wife, my husband was adamant that he should provide for me and protect me. One of the good things he insisted we do was talk about anything that was worrying either of us and never sulk. I had never been a ‘sulker’ but perhaps I may have withdrawn at times. I knew, however, that these withdrawals could not last too long and should never become permanent.
Entering into our second year of marriage, I realised, my husband was beginning to release many of his tasks to me – empowering me to sign various documents and slips, conduct banking for him and even use my flair to fill the pristine, neat house with flowers, succulents and family photos.
So what was I learning?
Mostly, to listen, be patient and be a wife with an equal role in the home. He laughingly points at me and says to others, “She’s the boss”, but I know that’s not true. God is always in charge, more important than we are and fully understands unity in a relationship. So we look to him as we learn to live, work and grow together.
In the same way, a little at a time is the first step in empowering…. In my situation, I would have found it difficult if my husband had landed me with all the financial extras, contracts, banking, etc. in the first month of our marriage. Some wives have been so disempowered by their husbands and, after the loss of their spouse, have been left in a stressful and chaotic space not knowing where to go, who to turn to or what to do. Sometimes, there are adult children who step into the breach – here again, one of their roles is to empower mom and not make her totally dependent on them.
The Needy, Disempowered Person
So what happens to me, the needy, disempowered person, now that my main line to survival has been cut off? Who can I transfer my neediness to? How can I gain acceptance and love?
Perhaps what hasn’t been said thus far is that co-dependency can occur in many relationships such as between mothers and daughters, or sons – amongst colleagues at work, between husbands and wives, siblings and friends.
A caution to counsellors here too – It’s so easy to pick up the role of responsibility if we have not identified our counsellee’s needy tendencies and sometimes, but not always, diminished responsibility. Because, before we realise it, we are speaking with empathy into his or her needs and providing unspoken solutions and options by the line of questioning we use.
A good indicator of early success for the counsellor is how quickly clients can genuinely move forward, take responsibility and complete tasks allotted to them. As you move your appointments with them further and further apart, you’re monitoring any signs that indicate positive personal growth and empowerment.
On the other hand, you may find that this same person (your client) is searching in many places for ’help’, for example, other counsellors or therapists, friends or church members, family members or even ex partners or husbands. And then a plea to the original counsellor, “Please can I come and see you again – I’m just not coping, I’m falling apart”……..In Part 3 of Freedom from Co-dependency, I aim to discuss a simple plan for the person showing signs of neediness and dependency on others.
Jill 11/2023