An Invitation from Jill
Hello – welcome to our 3rd chat “from the heart”. I share from my various experiences of working with and counselling people over 40-plus years with the hope that seeds of what I have gleaned can be used by others as they work with people…
Co-Dependency (Part 1)
While I’ve had the desire to write on the topic of co-dependency, I have struggled to write this blog; maybe because co-dependency can mean many different things to people, even to therapists, counsellors or pastors.
Generally, psychologists define co-dependency as an “inordinate and unhealthy compulsion to rescue and take care of people.” This can occur in a number of relationships, i.e. spousal, friendships, parenting and even counselling. It can also easily develop within the working environment.
What to look for
When I think of co-dependency, and it raises its head often in a counselling session, a few words stand out…
The first one is “needy” or “neediness”
Then “control”
Followed by “anxiety”, and I have learned that
*”low self-esteem” is also a sign of co-dependence. To expand on this, co-dependent people judge themselves harshly; they find it difficult to ask other people to meet their needs, and they don’t believe they are worthwhile or lovable.
Another interesting observation is that co-dependent people were often the “favourite child” in the family because they did more in the home. They took care of the sick parent, got straight A’s, cleaned the house and took out the refuse – they could be relied upon. However, as an adult, when this behaviour is carried out in different situations and relationships, it can result in that person feeling like a martyr and being victimised by doing it all. They begin to realise that they are being abused by others because they are always so willing to help – there is little appreciation; only an expectation that they will do the job – because they always do.
Many adults in co-dependent relationships come from families where they felt unloved, or they were abandoned by either one parent or both. This makes them willing to put up with a lot in order to keep their partners with them – almost at any cost.
Signs of a Co-Dependent Relationship
- Do you become obsessed with fixing or rescuing needy people?
- Are you easily absorbed in the pains and problems of others?
- Are you trying to control someone? Is someone trying to control you?
- Do you do more than your share all the time?
- Are you always seeking approval and recognition?
- Would you do anything to hold onto a relationship?
- Do you fear being abandoned?
* (Yvonne Martinez: Advanced Pastoral Counsellor Development)
In co-dependent relationships, both parties are needy – the one who needs the “help” in whatever form that presents itself, and the other who needs to be needed, helpful, relied on, approved – in control. A phrase we’ve all heard at some time is, “I do not know what I would have done without you”. While that phrase is truthful in many healthy situations and relationships, when it is the only reality between two people, eventually the needy party cannot function without the other and the other party keeps tight reins to ensure he/she is always needed and in control.
Most people understand that a relationship is considered unhealthy when the very mood of the other makes your day good or bad, when the smile of the other makes the sun shine. Because there is reciprocity in the relationship – I’m happy when you’re happy, or when you make me happy. On the other side, I’m happy when I’m needed and can help or rescue you – I feel useful, approved and accepted, it would appear that both parties are all right and can function.
Long term consequences
Sadly, over time, the needy party becomes disempowered to the point where he/she has little control over his/her own life. Independence has been hi-jacked and the needy person has found it easier not to take responsibility and leans on the helper progressively more and more. These people have surrendered control to the rescuer.
From the rescuer’s viewpoint, as long as you need me, you fulfil my need to feel important, needed, purposeful – without you to need, affirm and rely on me, I feel rudderless and fearful, so I ensure that I enable you to rely on me and, as I disempower you, I am in control.
It’s interesting that fear always needs to control and that the person exercising the control also fears losing control. The basic need of the person to feel safe and secure is met by being in control. From this, we can see that feelings of anxiety, anguish, worry and lack of trust join fear on a continuum that can end in paranoia, eating disorders, hopelessness, futility, suicide to name a few.
As a Christian counsellor, it is important for me to guide my clients to the truth of the scriptures and help him or her experience the unconditional love, protection and affirmation of Father God and Jesus. This relationship empowers and sets them free. We continue to remain in bondage when we are controlled by another person’s behaviours or addictions or sin issues. God’s answer to co-dependency is walking and living in the Spirit.
Walking according to the Spirit is evidenced in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control. – God expects us to practice self-control, and not to take on responsibility for others or try to control them. Here’s the paradox, the Christian life is one of serving, sacrificing, caring, helping, forgiving – being good Samaritans. However, all these attributes flow from the love we’ve first experienced from Jesus and have no agenda, no neediness, attached to them as they touch the lives of others, give them support, understanding and authentic care. However, the two needy people are encouraged to trust God as their Provider, Protector and the One who Knows and Affirms them.
Co-dependency to be continued …
I trust you are on this journey with me, and picking up those things that can assist you as you work and care for people. Recognising co-dependent behaviour and addressing it can help both parties make choices that are no longer bound by co-dependence.
Jill 09/2023